Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

The tide's come in and gone out, the storms rolled, fists thrown and rebounded, and still we remain.

The reinforcing struts my wife and I added to bolster our marriage were recently threatened, much by my own carelessness, much by the escalated behavior of my oldest son.

Just this past weekend, his emotional issues and stubbornness crested, resulting in an altercation with the White Trash Witch's son (much exaggerated by that whining brat), further damage to his siblings' property and our home (a broken screen door added to the recently kicked-out front window), and increased insults thrown at my wife and myself. After he stormed into the house, having re-exited several times on his sister's bike, or in order to kick it from the front porch down to the sidewalk, I asked my wife what she wanted done with him. She unleashed her words and imagination in one torrent, causing him to take flight again. He eventually returned, refusing to go to his room. He grabbed an empty plastic bottle and hurled it at my head; I reflexively kicked the chair in front of my towards his legs, briefly pinning him against the wall. I again ordered him to his room, and he again refused. It should be noted at this point that, in over a year of family therapy caused by and geared towards my oldest son's disciplinary issues and disobedience, no therapist, official, or authority has been able to offer any advice or guidance as to how to handle the recurring situation of his abject refusal to comply with the wishes and directives of his mother and myself. Having witnessed first-hand the fierce non involvement of the police when he shattered the front window, I had no confidence in either their judgement or competence were they to be summoned if I laid a finger on him. Nonetheless, at my wits end and with no other alternatives, I firmly gripped his shoulders to move him upstairs to his room.

He took his first swing and barely glanced my shoulder, the blow intended for my face. I lost my composure, my clarity, my control. I was on autopilot, and fixated on attacking the foe at hand, my oldest son. My swing made its target, landing square on his face just to the left of his nose. He swung again, hitting my left upper arm. I took his head down in a choke hold with my left arm, thrusting uppercuts into the crook of my elbow with my right. As my wife and her friend tried to separate us, my wife taking a few hits to the arm from one or the other of us, he twisted his face around, planting his teeth against the crook of my elbow, preparing to bite. All I felt was the light graze of his teeth against my skin, and reflex took over again; I pummeled the back of his head three times, then smacked him square in the face three times. The fight ended with his bellowed wish for my death, accentuated by his plans as to how to achieve it.

My wife wants me to get anger management therapy, and I've agreed, but things are rarely as simple as that. Therapy for me does not address my son's very real issues. In the past year, any time I've 'let up' on my son, he's leaped forward to cover that gap with aggression. He seems to be convinced of his own superiority despite the complete nonexistence of any shred of fact or fancy to make such superiority even conceivable. He wants to be a robotics engineer, yet refuses to work on his math or science skills in school. He insists on help with every homework assignment without attempting it on his own first. Beyond his issues, are the issues that have cropped up between my wife and I, some being revisited. She promised me equal time with her friends, yet has let our involvement dwindle and her exploits with them maximize. She will go through several consecutive days off from work without washing a single dish, while I can go for three or more days on overnights and have to wash a week's worth of dishes at the end of it. I'm willing to do my part to improve situations, but solving 'me' will not correct 'all.'

My wife and I have new wedding bands on layaway. We had been making progress with our date nights. I still love my son, but I will not let him tear asunder everything that I and we have been working to build and repair. There are new bright suns on the horizon, in the form of a training program and attached job in computer programming with Jackson National Life Insurance that pays in excess of 200% of what I'm making in the retail/convenience store industry. I have been through too much and struggled for too hard and too long to throw that all away. The entire family could benefit so much from this opportunity, but we all benefit only if we all stay together.

I have my own concerns about anger management therapy. I investigated it in the past, when a misunderstanding with an aging customer service representative at a previous job led to an employer mandate to seek therapy. I can't sit for a glorified meditation program; my temple offers that twice a week for free. As well, I will not drug myself to make his misbehavior acceptable. There is much to sort out, and it all must be equitable.