Awkward Presentations

The scholarship presentation was far from what I expected. I had assumed it would be in the newest middle school in the district, which sports the largest and most technologically current auditorium in the surrounding three districts. Instead, it was held in the fieldhouse of possibly the most violent high school in the district. Safety wasn't a concern, however, as the primary sponsor and organizer of the scholarship program is the civic police department; you couldn't have found more cops at a supersized Dunkin' Donuts, including the current and formner chiefs of police. Much to our daughter's dismay, we insisted upon parental preview and approval of her wardrobe, a decision that proved pointless; the farmer's market/flea market/auto auction back home in the Pennsylvania Dutch country of Southeastern Pennsylvania had a slightly more tactful and tasteful dress code, namely torso/groin/foot coverings utilizing no less than one inch of thread and half a yard of cloth or cloth substitute. I became keenly aware that, if not for the children due merely to their age, the parents probably were intimately familiar with the inner workings of the police department, but along entirely different avenues. At least it was educational for my youngest son and daughter, as they were introduced to an entire palette of social values and behaviors, not the least of which was the clearly widespread belief that what one ethnic enclave would consider offensive if presented by another was perfectly acceptable when launched at other etnich enclaves offensively. I have never before so directly experienced such a phenomenon as the expression of ethnic pride in as base and primitive a manner imagineable, followed by a diligent brainstorming session designed to produce results meant to outdo one's neighbors in proving themselves to be the exception to Darwin's theories. It comes as no surprise that the global militant Islamic factions hate us so, but it is horrifying to realize how ripe and begging of annihilation so arrogant and boastful a nation of boors such as ours has become. We need not fear any enemy from without; the ignorance and greed that will eventually destroy us is homegrown.

A difficult discussion with my wife is looming. Almost a month ago she said she didn't really want to leave and end things, but that significant changes in both of our demeanors was required. In all that time, it feels as though she has become more secretive rather than open, more distant. We both have physiological issues to tackle, hyperparathyroidism for me, a long-neglected dental abcess for her, and those issues certainly are bound to interfere with any marital progress. Something else, though, is lurking just below the horizon. She's made certain lifestyle choices over the past four years, completely altered the nature of the company she keeps. Given her fascination with drag queens, I've been inclined in our most heated arguments to ask if she'd want me more if I wore a dress, though I've never actually stooped to saying such a thing. Lately, though, I've been inclined to ask if she'd want me more if I were a woman.

It's by no uncertain means a difficult topic to breech. I've envisioned and simulated a thousand different outcomes of this discussion, and none of them so far is what I would term as 'ideal.' If she has shifted her orientation, I might come off as hateful rather than hurt. If she hasn't, she might be offended by the implication, despite her championing the cause of gay rights. My biggest fear is that the discussion might bring too early and abrupt an end to our fourteen years of marriage, destroying anything we had built together in the better years, leaving no closure, only bitterness and resentment. I've yet to figure out how best to tell her that asking the question is the most painful thing I've ever considered in our relationship, but that not asking and merely wondering has been excruciating. I don't know how to effectively relate to her that I deserve to know, and that her lack of communication and continued isolation has left no firm ground for our relationship. I hate wondering, and I hate not knowing, and I hate questioning if not only her heart but her entire being and nature have turned from me.

She's all along stood firmly by the insistence that she isn't cheating on me, hasn't had sex with anyone else. I don't know at this point if she's capable of realizing that sex isn't required to make any other relationship an affair. All she has to do is give her heart completely to someone else, and I may already be too late.