Counseling, Coupling Conundrum

We're getting ready to jump one of the primary hurdles presently in our marriage. We've resolved that we don't want to split up, but have also agreed that there isn't much hope of staying together successfully without professional help. So, towards the end of last week, I started making calls to various marriage counselors.

Thus far, we've only had one call back, from a therapist who operates out of my doctor's office, which is only a block and a half away. I spoke with the clinic director, and I like what I hear about their philosophy and approach. She assures me that my wife and I would remain in the same room together throughout our sessions, that there would be no individual therapy within the marriage therapy. This is a crucial issue for me; almost five years ago, we engaged in couples therapy with a state-funded clinic that performed in-home visits to perform the sessions. We were slated for twelve to fourteen sessions; my wife and I had one joint session, I had one privately with the counselor, and my wife and the counselor consumed the remainder of the sessions. Despite what my wife likes to argue, that was not marriage counseling, that was private therapy for her.

However, as every cloud has its silver lining as well as a potential to produce lightning and thunder, there is a hitch with this therapist. The clinic doesn't accept our insurance, which is designed more for critical mental illness treatment than for relationship counseling. Without insurance, the fees per session begin at $125 per hour, with a scale that can slide as low as $80 per hour. My wife balked at this outright, and even I have to admit this range definitely pushes the outer edge of our financial envelope. The even worse news is, as I learned doing some online research late last night, that the prices we were quoted were, on the average, at the lower end of the fees commonly charged for marriage counseling, even with insurance. I'm sincerely hoping that with a combination of negotiating with the clinic director for either a lower fee or biweekly sessions and continued discussion with my wife, we may reach a point at which we can all agree and begin mending things, preserving the past fourteen years rather than making it an ill-advised investment in time.

Sad to think that only the wealthy can afford to save or destroy a marriage. The poor must have perfect marriages, or none at all; therapy is only slightly less exorbitant than divorce.

I remain hopeful. There have been a few bright spots in the past several days. Having her 'sister' hear has caused her to turn to me as confidante and ally in our shared predicament. Just this morning, she lay quietly as a stroked her naked back, the peripheral curve of her naked breast. Not a single flinch as I kissed her back and cheek. Hopefully the time is near in which she'll return to fully accepting my touch. I'm amazed at my own patience, that I haven't exploded in this long drought of intimacy. Frustrated as I may become, as much as I know that I can thrive and survive without her, provide for my children, succeed within my career, I'm just not interested in accomplishing any of this without her.

And so I wait.